Fuck These Tubes

A person need only look at history to see what a depressing shit hole this place is. Kennedy was shot, Lizzie Borden whacked, and giant snow storms swept across the Midwest forcing families to leave their shitty states in hopes to find paradise only to discover that rural Kansas was really the best they could do. Not to mention all the mayhem the White Devil caused. White power my ass. Anyways, you can look at all that and wonder, "how could it get any worse?" The mother fucking internet.

Do you know how long it's been since I've been outside? How many 16 year old boobs I've seen? That the ratio of computer boobs to real life boobs I've seen is 795:1? That I'm masturbating to illegally downloaded porn in one tab and listening to a person getting quartered in a third world country in another whilst I type a blog riddled with spelling mistakes? I'm not the only loser typing his life away. I'm not even the most pathetic (I'm not the worst looking either, ladies) but I'll be damned if I haven't gotten so used to facebook chat that I have to consciously refrain from whipping my dick out five minutes into a conversation with a flesh and blood female.

If I could, I'd go back to the time when the only memes were hard work and domestic abuse. Sure it'd be harder to find a Brazilian midget that wants something in every orifice but I wouldn't know what I was missing. Also, Coke would cost a nickel.

--Contributed by Soul Patch