Why Jumping Up Your Own Ass Will Solve The Economic Crisis

The economy is failing, and people have lost sight of why failing happens. It's not the sub-prime loans. They're what happens when the economy's already failed.

An economy is geared towards producing goods. Snapple. Styrofoam cup lids. Hot pink buttplugs. A product, something to bring to market and produce cash flow. But what happens when you get really, really good at making hot pink buttplugs? You produce way more of them than what you can sell. Now what? You fire most of the guys that make hot pink butt plugs, and those guys have to go into the unemployment office with a resume title of "Ass Connoisseur." And unless he can make the unthinkable crossover into Vaginal Regent, he's up shit creek without a paddle. Buttplugs aren't so unique. The same thing is going on with a lot of the goods produced in America, but on a far greater scale. Turns out that indigo anal beads are way cheaper to produce in China, long as you don't mind purple lead up your ass.

So when you downsize and export all of your industry, what are you left with? Servicing those industries. There don't quite exist buttplug repairmen (despite my petitions), but there are a bunch of rectal surgical specialists that depend on ass tearing to make their livings. I wouldn't want to be a rectal surgeon's wife. He'd come home smelling like the job every day.

And so with the economy switching from production to service, there's a consolidation. You need a lot of people to produce things. Not so many to keep them working. One IT guy can run a dozen asian porn sites, if he could stop shame-jacking it for long enough to update the description for the movie of the week from what it's been for the past 34 weeks: "I bet you guys could meet this sexy little schoolgirl in a dark alley behind a safeway. Fujiko gets fucked by a behemoth four (!!!) inch penis in the hottest of all the positions: missionary. Don't worry, perverts, she's got enough bush to completely destroy America's standing with the rest of the world. You'll get to watch her sexily scream at the top of her lungs until Jet Li blows a load all over her eyelidless face. I highly recommend." Actually, that doesn't need updating. It's probably the porn that could use it.

With consolidation comes shortage. So to keep the economy flowing, you have to invent jobs to keep people employed, which corporations love to do, since expansion must mean forward progress.  Like "Corporate Head Hunter." That job makes no sense. They basically work for a company, looking for guys to hire. Which is clearly unnecessary. People act as their own headhunters. You don't need to look for people that are in turn,  looking for you. I wonder if that guy who had to carve off his own arm to escape it being crushed under a boulder, when he was was found by a search team, he was like "Oh thank God I found you guys, I was worried sick. Let's get you warm and get some food in you. BTW, would one of you mind terribly taking me to a hospital, because I think I'm dying."

That's all well and good when the economy is fluid. When everything's rolling, jobs become overstaffed, and frivolous jobs are created. The problem is when there's a dip, and a company realizes that firing the guy whose sole job it is to hire people for more jobs that the company can't afford to staff, is probably a good idea.But first, let's just lie to the shareholders or something.

And everyone ends up fired. And who suffers? Our anuses. Gone are the hot pink buttplugs of yesteryear. Replaced, are they, by the splintery wooden dildos of reality. Our already suffering industry, due to the lack of cashflow, goes from bad to worse.

It's pretty much what happened with the financial market, too. Sub-prime loans can be viewed as products, and the derivatives as a service. The derivatives are these bundles of sub-prime loans bundled together, and banks would simply place bets upon whether or not the sub-prime loans would be paid back. It's the Harvard equivalent of horse racing. The problem is that you can't fire the money like you fire the people. Instead, we had the American people pay the banks for losing the bet.

And that, all 6 of my readers, is why jumping up your own ass will solve the crisis.

Become your own buttplug. Roughly paraphrased, these are the words of Karl Marx. Very roughly paraphrased.

Marx thought that owning the means of production, or in other words, making the product yourself, was vital to an economy. Turns out that the crazy Russian bastard was right. Maybe not about the whole "forget the free market thing, we'll just be real real nice to one another and hope sharing works." But with this, he's got something. We've got to stop trying to crank more efficiency out of processes that are wholly sufficient enough. Stop outsourcing by imposing outrageous taxes on American companies importing their products from a factory overseas. And for the love of god, stop teaching Indians to speak English.

So please, take one for the team, and leap into your anus. At the very least, it might fix the quickly sinking rectal surgery market.