Press Button, Receive Bacon.

It's pretty bizarre how much our standards for food have shaped our society. The Bible gives us dominion over animals because we figured out animals can be dominioned. The Jews didn't eat pork because it would so often spoil and make people sick that they decided that the animal was "unclean." The Muslims won't eat pork because really, they do what the Jews say but grumble about it and on occasion, explode. We've subconsciously stratified all the animals from dumbest to smartest, then decided it's okay to eat the dumb ones, because it would be cruel to eat smart animals. Except dolphins. But hey...honest mistake, that. They get caught in the nets and also they taste like tuna. And pigs. But how were we supposed to know they were intelligent?! Babe wasn't so smart, it was that whore spider doing all that shit for him. So we pretend that we don't eat elephants and dogs and cats because they're too intelligent to be eaten. But really, it's because they're bad cuts of meat.

That's pretty much why we don't eat people, too.  In areas where eating humans is biologically necessary, it's done. Magically, it's not considered evil, either.

But what if we didn't taste bad? What if women, instead of squirting blood and sloughed-off uterus from their vagina monthly...what if they dispensed bacon for 5 days out of the month? How different would life be?

"Honey, you better not be pregnant. You know how I like my eggs in the morning. With a glass of orange juice, and 3 strips of your uterine wall. I swear to Christ if you're with child I'm going over to your mother and having her cook for me. I don't care if it comes out a little bit hairy."

Imagine a world where that is the only significant change. That an 11 year-old's first menstruation is salted, cured, and Oscar Meyer is branded above her clitoris to discourage rustlers. That Jews and Muslims alike could legitimately make a case that cunnilingus is against their religion.

Familial bonds would fall apart. Hungry 5-year olds, too old to reach for the teat, would fist their mothers, expectantly peering into their slimy yet empty hands as the mother explained to them that she's sorry, little Timmy, but you're going to have to wait until the 12th. But not to worry, because this time she can feel that it's going to be a particularly heavy flow, and that Timmy could perhaps invite his friends for a nice cookout and sleepover once it was ready.

Censorship would be completely thrown off. We could no longer censor vaginas because they'd be so darn appetizing. Instead we'd have to selectively choose body parts that are not longer available for perusal. The FCC would have to strictly enforce its "no back of the knees" policy on women, which Janet Jackson would bravely flaunt at a Superbowl halftime show, showing the backs of her knees while Justin Timberlake dances around her, pretending to be interested in vagina for reasons beyond bacon.

Sexual fetishism would be wildly different, with a new and alternative focus on vaginafood. You could no longer seductively use strawberries, whipped cream and chocolate syrup to dine at the Y. Too sweet, too desserty. Bread panties. Lettuce tampons. Kielbasa dildos. Hot pink buttplugs because goddamn it, if you don't buy them, who will? The possibilities are endless.

And that's just one, tiny, minor, foodstuff. I haven't even gotten started on crap brulee. Or semensicles.