Because Sauntering Is Sacred

Sauntering is the best means of conveyance. It's cool, it's confident, and it's most definitely not for orphans. Let me explain. Today my saunter was in full effect, my arms were swinging, I was a-whistlin, and my feet were in rhythm when lo and behold a child appeared. His saunter was immature and sloppy but I could tell his heart was in the right place. "Where are your parents little guy?" I inquired. "I don't have any parents. They died when I was a baby." Well then fuck you, little guy. Get off my street, go back to your understaffed federally funded hellhole, and start writing dark poetry. You're a mother fucking orphan. What are you doing outside alone? I mean, I get why you're alone but why aren't you as lonely as I am? None of this makes sense. Everything is wrong. And do you know why? I'll tell you why. The got-danged media.

Batman is an orphan. He grew up bitter and full of hatred and started kicking ass. Now Batman showed that orphans could grow up and kind of contribute to society, (not like that pussy criminal Oliver!) but also that they were still totally unrelatable. Nobody with parents would dress in a giant bat suit and be best friends with a butler because that's fucking stupid. Then Harry Potter happened. All of a sudden orphans were hot shit and it went right to their heads. They feel like they can do anything-- from combating dark wizards to opening successful small businesses and everything in between. If we aren't careful, they'll start politicking their way to the top. Before you know it they'll be demanding equal rights and you know what that means. Marriage. Orphans only want to get married so they can murder-suicide and create more orphans. They'll keep doing it until being an orphan is the norm and we'll all be godless heathens, fighting crime, solving mysteries, and/or singing our way into billionaires' hardened hearts. I refuse to let this happen.

Today I stole a child’s ice cream cone, scuffed his knees, and reminded him he has no one to kiss it better. I did my part, now do yours.

 --Contributed by SoulPatch