An Open Letter To Vegetarians (Please do not eat this)

Vegetarians and vegans (heretofore referred to as veganterians, also leafpoopers) are a special brand of completely wrong. They are wrong not simply for their ideology, and not even for their execution, but their very concept. The foundation upon which most meat-deniers have built their diets is fallacious--a sandy ground which happens to resemble the texture of their feces. Grass-fellatiators have become rampant, and I feel it is my civic duty to tell them that when every girl who has ever loved them told them to "eat shit and die," they did not have to take it literally.

Cabbage-masticators do not realize that in achieving their very goal, they are hypocritically becoming more damaging than any meat industry could be. Let me first define what the evil (anyone who cannot enjoy a salisbury steak is evil, check Leviticus) veganterians want. What they desire is to smugly not eat what has been part of our diet as a species...ever since we've been a species. And they are not content to merely gnaw upon our endtables in peace. No, they hope to spread the disease, they hope to inseminate us with their filthy love of soy, a material so vile that even Stephen Hawking twitches ever so slightly at the sight of it. They want us...to become like them.

And why do they desire it? Because they pity the animals. They deplore the brutal endgame employed by the livestock industry- the maturation, followed by the slaughter, of their poor little darlings. And so they aim to have us eat moss and lichen, to chew upon bark and to eat whatever the hell that red soupy stuff is. In short-- to murder our mouths.

But what if they were to get their wish? What if every rotund, heartily-sated patriot of a man, and every round-bottomed porterhouse steak of a woman, were to suddenly submit to our anemic overlords, and convert our meaty loins into withered collared greens? If the world stopped eating meat, what would happen to the noble chicken, the proud pig, and the hilarious emu?

Perhaps these soy-based organisms have not had sufficient mental energy to piece together the consequences of turning our wonderfully brown sewer system permanently green, but I have thought for them, just as I have been eating several times the appropriate amount of meat for them for the last several decades.

If tomorrow, soy replaced all meat, and all meat-related delicacies, not only would we become really irritating douchebags that smell faintly of rye bread and excrement, but instead of free-grazing animals, there would only be soy. The chicken old farmer dan had in his old rusty coop? Gone. Replaced by a small patch of soy and marijuana. Because we had to legalize marijuana if we were getting rid of meat-- can't have the entire world killing itself, can we?

So what would happen to the animals that the veganterians wanted so badly to protect? They would cease to be--cease to exist. Populations of enormous densities, densities higher than even the heads of the Bristolest of Palins, would be wiped out. Cows would belong in zoos-- their presence in a field would now be considered an act of vandalism, and they'd be forced to pick up garbage by the side of road in orange jumpsuits. But their hooves would not be able to properly work the pointy sticks and it would waste everyone's time, although the legal weed would make the whole process a lot funnier to watch.

And so by hoping to save these animals, the leafpoopers would destroy them! Now I ask you: What kind of activism is that?

The leafpoopers might rebut me-- "It is better to not live than to suffer as greatly as these animals would have had to suffer in captivity," they may utter, as their teeth fall out due to malnutrition, and perhaps awl To that I say this: Oh really now? Is that the logic by which you hope to protect your position? Transferring this principle, I suggest we attach a nuclear bomb to some fried chicken and deploy it upon the continent of Africa. After all, their conditions are so deplorable, that it is better not to live than it is to suffer their indignities. They shall die as they have lived; stereotypically eating fried chicken.

Thus, I have demonstrated the absurdity of the veganterian movement, the futility of its cause, and the insanity of its proprietors. But fear not, veganterians. Although I have beaten you savagely, I do not wish to do the same to the animals you have loved. I am an advocate for the improvement of livestock living conditions.

That is why, when we put you, the veganterians, into small cages, I propose that we change your lettuce dishes several times a day, and change your diapers regularly so as to prevent finickiness. We must remember, you're almost people.