The United States is a beacon of hope for people around the world. Middle-class Berliners, impoverished Afghans, and gay-hating elderly Southern couples all see this fine country as the leader in freedom, liberty, and American patriotism. Except for the liberals. They won't be satisfied until your teenage daughter is forced to trim her pubic hair to resemble Stalin's mustache.
The USA is on the forefront of personal freedoms, internet usage, and infanticide. There is, however, one area where the US of A falls behind on the world stage: mental health. Our status as the fattest and least educated country has been jeopardized by other nations, but we still kick ass at being crazy.
Picture it: you're in a car on a date with a sixteen-year-old. If you're fifty ignore the spine-tingling jailbait factor for the duration of this scenario. As you try to text message, change lanes, and drink a bottle of the overpriced piss that is Gatorade, your date fiddles with the radio. Things seem to be going dandy, and you may set a record for violated child endangerment laws, when she turns down the radio volume from 11 to 10. The fuck is this, man? Either you can hear it or you can't.
"I'm sorry, I'm just kind of OCD about this kind of stuff," she laughs, "I can't stand it when the volume is on an odd number."
This happens all the time and nobody ever calls someone out on it. You've probably said it before without thinking twice. Maybe you didn't think once. It's a nice way of saying "I'm a controlling cunt and deciding the volume of the guy with mantits from Train's voice is all I can do right now. You're operating the motor vehicle and I'd prefer it was me who was tipsy and almost running over hidden roadside Nigerian joggers." Obsessive-compulsive disorder is one of the few illnesses, along with alcoholism and orgy-style syphilis, that we feel the urge to brag about. Nobody fails a college exam and says, "Whoops, that's just my phenylketonuria talking. Now get that fucking gum away from me."
It's not even about self-diagnosis to excuse your character flaws that is infuriating, it's the lack of effort to maintain consistency. At least try to seem mentally ill. Break into your neighbor's apartment and arrange the dildo collection in their top drawer by size. Go all the way and visit a doctor about your problems. He'll give you a questionnaire to examine your head and hopefully a rectal exam involving a cinder block.
The only other disorder that even comes close on the mental health wishlist is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Teenagers, especially today's myriad hipsters, love using ADHD as an excuse for their flaws. So do their parents, siblings, and ex-Presidents. You can't read the fine print on your credit card statement but you can meticulously maintain an internet farm? Fifty years ago your behavior would have been labeled annoying and you'd be stuck head-first into an unflushed toilet. Now everyone in a 500 foot radius knows your mental disabilities are the reason you're quirky and unpredictable. It's, like, so cool you're not like those dorks who read books and file their own taxes. You can only focus on doing something for a few minutes at a time? Great! You and four friends can get your shit together and come landscape my yard. I'll make sure to rotate your jobs every few minutes.
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