"Jim and Peg there just had a dozen novelty t-shirts, they're trying again for two tickets to the superbowl."

In a cup on my dresser, in the ashtray of my car (unless that petty bastard probably Mexican thief took them again) I have many quarters. I don't do much with them but it's nice to know they are there. If I were still 14 I would not have many quarters. I would have diabetes.

Quarters meant quarter pops. Quarter pops meant a walk to the grocery store for off brand refreshment after stand still ollies and playing N64 with my shirt off. I remember, or made up, a day exactly like the one I've described. Having made it to the vending machine, my friend and I, we noticed a mystery button. Right underneath Grape. My soda of choice back in the day. We pushed the hell out of that button. He got a Vanilla Coke, a real Vanilla Coke. Fuckin A, I might get a Welch's. I got a can of carbonated water.

The next day, I got a creme soda and a diet cola. I stopped pushing the mystery button. But if that machine is still there and that button is still there it's getting pushed. People love surprises, there's an appeal to random. It is gambling's caffeine to heroin, these mystery buttons on soda machines and turnstile prize boxes. Wherein you might get a tiny rubix cube but you'll probably get a sticker with Jesus on it. Boring Jesus too, not "Holy shit what happened to him?" "He died for your sins that's what." Jesus of yore.

People also love getting laid and having babies. But babies are expensive. And not just for their parents. The whole world pays for that baby. As does the environment and the collective consciousness because it'll probably grow up to be a shithead. Overpopulation is a very real and a very serious problem. It's of the utmost importance that a solution is found. I'm not a sadist so I'm not going to suggest sewing vaginas shut or making the poor sterile. I don't want to limit people to having two children and impose a death penalty on a potential third. But if you have more than five you can fuck right off. You don't have enough love or money for that many and you know it.

Here's my idea. People should still get laid and get pregnant as much as they want but they shouldn't always have a baby. Anytime someone gets pregnant you ask what they're having. They answer and you act surprised. They either have a boy or a girl or one hell of a decision to make. Fuck that. Have a pie. Don't buy blue shit or pink shit, buy a fork and some ice cream.

I'm tired of a sperm and an egg always making a baby, jazz it up. Are you pregnant and not ready for a child? Oh well, maybe you get lucky and have dog. Hell, maybe you're really lucky and get a dog that can whistle. You could get a voucher for a free hot dog, you could get keys to a new car and try like hell for the rest of the thing. And sometimes you could get a tiny human being.


Pregnancies can be exciting again. People are going to be so busy being fucking stoked they won't realize that there's nobody left to carry on their mediocre family name and that pollution is down, the poverty line is down, the economy is up because people are making a bunch of free shit themselves and having sex to do it. Stock in condoms might drop a little but they'll stay afloat because sometimes you just have too much stuff.