Shitty Ted

Oh Lord, it’s me. Shitty Ted. Well, uh, I guess you’d know me as Theodore Linus. That’s the name they christened me under. But most people just call me Shitty Ted.

Lord, I’m here today on bended knee to ask forgiveness for all the awful things I’ve done. I’ve squandered my life spittin, cussin, drinking and gamblin; and well, I’ve known my fair share of women, Lord. Now not all of them were hookers. One or two of them were top notch broads. Real scores for a guy like me. You see, I’m not the best looking guy in the world. In fact that’s something I wanted to talk to you about, Lord. If you were to make me tall dark and handsome I’d quit my evil ways. I’m sure of it. With my new found confidence I’d do away with the lot of my sins. Only ugly people spit and curse and I’d never need to spend a dime on a promiscuous woman. In fact, the beautiful girls would be climbing on their hands and knees for a chance to be with me. Speaking of women, Oh Lord, bless the beautiful girls. Bless their lips, their hips, and their...You know, it’s probably best you didn’t bless them Lord. In fact, turn em ugly. Yes, if you love me Lord turn them ugly. If there ever was a prodigal son, it’s me and I’m asking you to forgo the fatted calf and turn them ugly. Turn their teeth upside down and iron them flat. It’s the only I hope I have. I could return to your heavenly flock if you could do only that.

I know what you’re thinking. “What about the booze, Shitty?” Well God, the booze isn’t the problem. There’s wine all over the bible so it can’t be a sin. If you want to get caught up in semantics I guess I can switch the whiskey for the wine. Seems awfully petty to me though.

And isn't life one big gamble? Hell, there's more death and poverty on a city block than any roulette wheel. And most guys in the gutter got there because some big wig took a chance and lost. I'm layin my cards down, Lord, because if there's one thing Shitty Ted is it's honest. And this here prayer is a gamble and it's a gamble I'm willin to take and I'll be taking more. Shitty Ted doesn't fold pocket kings and he's not afraid to go all in with Jack-Ten suited. I'm all in Lord, do and say what you'd like. I'm listening.

I thank you for your time, Lord and I’ll be seeing you in church just as soon as I find a service that starts closer to noon and farther from the first crack of dawn. You see, I have a thyroid condition. Until then, this is Theodore Linus signing out!